51 ways to annoy Severus Snape
by Twister the Dragon
Summary: This is about the day James potter and Remus Lupin......... It's 51 ways to annoy Severus Snape
1. Chapter 1

51 ways to annoy Severus Snape

Disclaimer - I don't own anything at all and I don't make any money either.

Livi walked into the Gryffindor common room and dumped her books onto the small table with an almighty clatter. Lano - her best friend- looked up from her work with a small smile.

"I take it you've finished Snape's essay then?" Livi said with a sigh. Two rolls of parchment on the effects of flobber worm extract, for tomorrow. Lano was lucky - she had had a free this afternoon.

"Did you honestly expect me to use the last hour writing that? I have something much more interesting" An evil smirk crossed Lano's features as she flung a notebook to her friend. "Tell me what you think".

Livi regarded the notebook with distaste "51 ways to annoy Severus Snape? Oh _that's _productive!"

"Just read it" Lano said, leaning back and sucking the end of her strawberry favoured sugar quill.

"Ok number one: Point and laugh at him for no apparent reason. Number two: Go to him office really early every morning and cry for ten minutes, then say it's not important and walk out. Number three - NOOOO:Transfigure all of his robes into Gryffindor Quidditch robes

"That one isn't too bad. We just need to work out a charm for it."

"Yes but you're not seriously considering these are you?"

"Maybe at the end of the year - leave somthing to remeber us by. The Weasley's did it - remember?"

Livi continued skimming the list with an amused expression. The mental images were getting to her.

" Number four: Dress up as him for class

Number five: Dress up as Harry Potter for class

Number six: Get everyone to.

Number seven: Lure him into a room and get a Boggart of him to morris dance/ballet dance/ jazz dance - in fact whatever floats your boat

Number eight: Ask why he kept having secret liaisons with Professor Quirrel.

That's a bit personal isn't it?"

" Oh it gets worse later" Lano responded, positivly gleaming,. She snatched back the paper and began to read it at a rapid pace.

"When doing his homework have your answers spell out Snape Sticks down the side of the page - I think i'll do that on this essay. Constantly remind him he is a half blood, Call him your highness when answering questions - maybe not. I think he'd like that. OOH this one I like. Say: "I know what you and Lucius Malfoy did last summer sir." Tell him he should get a tan

Tell him he reminds you of the sheriff of Nottingham."

Livi smiled and decided she may join in for a bit. "Ok what about: .When he notices you drifting of in class say you were just imagining him naked. Or

try to take points from Slytherin when you see him walking around after curfew - always wanted to do that one. Sing and dance Do the Hippogriff "

"Tell him you love him" Lano piped up "Hug him, make him a pop up birthday card that when he opens his nose pops out. How many do we have?"

"Twenty. Give him pink highlights...even better, shave his hair when he's asleep!"

Lano had a very cheeky smile on her face "When answering the register, say 'yes sir' in a suggestive manner."

"Demand that he sings happy unbirthday to you every day. OMG LANO I HAVE ONE: "Hey sir, remember that day when James Potter hung you upside down?"

Lano giggled "Ask what underwear he was wearing the day James did it"

"Why is everything about underwear with you?" Livi asked

"Why is everything about marshmallows with you?" Was her instant reply "Sir, how long has it been since you've been in a relationship?"

" Call him Sevikins. Simple, but effective." Livi started searching in her bag for some more parchemnt but Lano was on a roll.

"Ask if he nose is any indication of other body parts. ok that is sick. Er... Create a cheerleading dance to do whenever he comes in the room - oh use your imagination. "Do you ever wish your students had some respect for you Professor?"What if you gasped loudly and said "What WOULD your mother say?"

Livi plonked the paper on the table and started writing rapidly "So what exactly were you and Karkaroff doing in the potions stock cupboard?" Ask if you can paint him nude"

Lano gave a look of disgust. "For my sanity we need to move on. Charm little hearts and flowers to follow him. "Sir, do you wear black because it is thinning?" Come in and sit down on the wrong side of your desk and conduct the entire lesson with your back to him."

"OOH I know" Shouted Livi, causing someone's cat to walk out of the room with a disgruntled air "Every time he says something sarcastic or mean shout "DETENTION" or "50 POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN" Or you could create a "naughty box" on the board and put his name in it"

"Walk into his room and shout OH MY GOD Snape: what? "I think you had an accident with a localised engorgment potion because your nose is huge!" Lano said

"You know you do a very convincing Snape voice. Say: "So in essence, potions is domestic science, meaning that really you are a chef?"

"Owl him bright pink letters everyday so they drop in over breakfast" Lano said checking her watch

" Send him a howler declaring your undying love for him - I need to do some work you know" Livi said, equally concerned that it was nearly time to go for dinner.

"Lets just get fifty down. Send him a howler saying how annoying it is when he can't perform. Lock Lockhart in his room."

"Oh because _that's _fesable! Release Cornish pixies into his office." Said Livi rolling her eyes. "Poke his nose and say "beep"

" Speaking of food: Bake him cakes and demand he eats them" Lano smiled.

"Do the Barty CrouchSlurp slurp thing at him all the time. You know the thing I mean?"

" Yeah, go into class, look straight at him and yell "DEMENTOR" before running through the corridors shouting it and causing complete uproar. You're good at that!" Livi squirted some watched at her from her wand.

"That makes fifty but you know what else we should do? When we do homework we should leave him love notes at the bottom or rolled into the parchment."


	2. Chapter 2

More ways to Annoy Snape!

A/N - I was just thinking that you should probably take Snape's wand away before doing anything. I would also like to clarify that I have complete respect and love for all the characters I am telling you how to annoy and believe them all to be wonderful people is looking nervously at the rabble chasing her

The next morning Lano ran down to breakfast to find Livi lightly buttering herself a slice of toast. She sliped a sheet of parchement onto Livi's lap as she sat down beside her with morning greetings. Livi looked down at the sheet and began to read in her head.

"1.Charm the carpet of his rooms to sprout small flowers in his wake

2. Leave him invitations to Sirius Black's 'birthday party at the Whomping Willow'

3.Look terrified and leave the hall ANYTIME he picks up his spoon at mealtimes

4.Blow him kisses whenever you catch his eye

5.Introduce him with the words "Here is a man who not only has a brilliant mind and a wonderful wit, but can also sing.

6.Owl him long and detailed accounts of your summer holidays.

7.Two words: Accio Snape

8.Nickname your quill 'Snapie' and talk to it during class

9.Leave anonymous notes on his desks. Have them say things like 'Remember that summer in 72, Severus dear?' or 'Meet me in the restricted section...and bring a friend!'

10.Clap loudly when he has told someone off

11.Tell him he looks stressed then ask if he wants a massage

12.Hide in his chambers at night. Wake him up by jumping up and down on his bed shouting 'Rise and Shine Professor!'

13.Learn a charm that makes people sprout interesting flowering plants from their hair.

14.Make a habit out of grabbing Harry Potter and dragging him into Snape's office by his ears, crying 'Here he is Sir! I've got him!'

15.Turn in all your essays on perfumed paper covered in scribbled little love-hearts.

16.Procure some ferret-droppings. Leave a large pile of them in his desk. Insist that Draco Malfoy did it.

17.Offer to 'bewitch his mind and ensnare his senses.'

18.Every time his back is turned in class, move one seat closer to him. Continue until you are directly in front of him or until the lesson ends.

19.Charm his bedsheets to entangle him in his sleep, ensuring he must wrestle them for a quarter-hour each morning just to get out of bed.

20. Should he ever sarcastically enquire if you would like a detention, hold up a hand and say 'I will not be swayed by your sweet words of temptation!'

21.Follow him at a distance. Try to make it obvious what you are doing.

22. "How old were you when you lost your virginity sir?"

23. 'When will we get to the brewing glory part?'

24. Dust the floor behind him, following him as he walks. Also dust anything he touches.

25. Put up a notice proclaiming the formation of your own fan-club. Sign his name as the first eager member

26. Leave Harry Potter bound and gagged outside Snape's rooms every morning for a year

27.Anytime he comes near you, hold up your robes above your head with one arm and shelter beneath them until he leaves

28. Write into trashy teenage girl magazines' problems pages with embarrassing problems - under his name.

29. Stick the pages around the school

30.Observe him. Take notes.

31.Become an Animagi. Be very cute. Try to get him to adopt you

32.When he leans in to see the contents of your cauldron, whack him over the head, scream 'Tag! You're it!' and dash out of the classroom, giggling.

33. Always be five strides ahead of him, rolling out an endless red carpet.

34. Use Polyjuice potion to turn into him - be seen doing ridiculous things

35.Attempt to hide inside his robes whenever Neville Longbottom's potion threatens to explode

36. When you see him coming, lie down in the hallway. Insist that you 'have fallen and can't get up'.

37.Charm his eyes red and his hair white. In other words, turn him albino.

38.Hide under your desk in potions. Pretend you're sure he can't see you. Even if he bends to look straight down on you.

39.Learn basic muggle magic tricks. Call yourself The Great Snape-ini. Constantly approach him with a deck of cards, imploring him to 'Pick a card, any card!'

40.Ask him if he's 'sure about that, sir?' whenever he states a fact in class.

41.Charm a music box that plays the Harry Potter theme music non-stop . Make it invisible and leave it in his quarters.

42. Chant softly. 'Snape Snape Snape...' whenever he walks by. Continue until he is out of hearing range.

43. Ask him about his childhood.

44.Repeat every thing he says, just after he says it, in a loud whisper and follow each repeat with the words 'Ohhhh, interesting...VERY interesting.' Pretend to scribble things down rapidly.

45.When he attempts to scare you in class, yawn, look bored and tell him you're 'Sorry, but the thrill is just gone. ignore his existence. Do not pay him the smallest amount of attention whatsoever. Act as though you cannot see him. If he speaks, do not answer. If he is right in front of you, look straight through him. Constantly ask people (when he can hear you) where he has disappeared to

47.Ask him if he would mind helping you with a project. Tell him you want to breed Professional-Racing-Snapes.

48.hiss on the letter 's'.

49.End each class with a wink and a 'See you tonight, Professor' Put sarcastic emphasis on the word 'Professor'.

50.In the middle of the night, sneak into his quarters, shake him awake and shine a torch in his face shouting 'Pineapple! Have you got any pineapple?'

51.At the end of each potions class, leave him a 'report card' detailing how you think he did that lesson. Comments like 'has potential' 'adequate' and 'moderately intimidating' are perfect.

And do you actually plan on doing any of these?"

Livi asked quietly as the post arrived - so there was less chance someone would pay attention.

"Naturally. WE are going to do them all before the end of the year. We have four months. We know we'll get our N.E.W.Ts. All systems are go"

"Lano, i'm not worried about the exam results. I am worried about us surviving the next four months."

"You worry too much" Lano responded taking Livi's toast and departing from the table.


End file.
